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Watson Cam
Dr Watson reviews his tab at the Hound and Ferret

Dr Watson reviews his tab at the Hound and Ferret

Posts Tagged ‘Lestrade’

A Patient Audience

Upon the special request of Inspector Lestrade I went undercover as a surgeon at Charing Cross Hospital in what later became known as the Mystery of the Diffident Nurse.  So successful was my deception that one day while searching for the gentleman’s toilet (undercover work always goes straight to my bladder) I opened a door and found myself  in front of a large gallery of medical students who applauded most generously.

Upon the special request of Inspector Lestrade I took the identity of a surgeon at Charing Cross Hospital in what later became known as the Mystery of the Diffident Nurse.

I was most taken aback but not as much as when I was asked to perform an appendectomy on a man who was suddenly wheeled before me.  My General Practice had not prepared me for this moment – my only previous surgical experience being the removal of small moles.

Nonetheless I couldn’t disappoint my audience and dived in enthusiastically, confident I would pick it up as I went along. At the end of the case we all had a jolly good laugh about it and fifteen years on I still occasionally lunch with my unwitting patient, although this is sometimes a bit strained since he is now strictly limited to non-solids and can only lie out flat.

Skeleton Staff

Doctors from Charing Cross Hospital describe what will happen to me if they ever see me again

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His Last Sprout – A Look Back at Christmas 1914

Christmas at 221B is always a time of highs and lows. While there is fun and laughter (the appearance of my Christmas socks) it is always tinged with melancholy  (Sherlock still missing) followed by mood swings (burning my Christmas socks).  Here is my Christmas 1914 at a glance.

 

Highs

– Winning charades enacting The Red Headed League (despite Mrs H’s complaints that I had used her cats as a prop)

– Forming a choir with the Baker Street Irregulars

– Mulled Wine

– Un-mulled wine

– Finding missing evidence from the Valley of Beards within Mrs H’s home-made crackers.

– Making a snowman with Lestrade.

– Using Holmes’ chemistry set to explode sprouts

 

 

Lows

– Mrs H’s Christmas Roast: Bird within a Bird within a Pork Chop

– Losing pictionary attempting The Science of Deduction (Lestrade guessed ‘a pineapple’)

– Opening my present from Mrs Hudson to find my own service revolver.

– Lestrade and Gregson coming to blows over pronouncing the word ‘nougat.’

– Leaving our Christmas hats on to make an arrest.

– The second helping of Mrs H’s Christmas Cake

 

 

A slice of Mrs Hudson's Christmas Cake is lowered into position.

A slice of Mrs Hudson’s Christmas Cake is lowered into position.

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Holmes Under the Hammer

In the ten years since Holmes’ disappearance I have had hundreds of requests from his fan-base for many of his personal effects, ranging from the mundane to the downright peculiar. For example last year I was contacted by an elderly widow in Liphook who wanted one of Holmes’ magnifying glasses as it reminded her of her late husband, while a young couple in Kent are keen to purchase one of Holmes’ test-tube sets to make an attractive window feature in their end-of-terrace.

Then to top it all  just yesterday Inspector Lestrade called on me to ask for one of Holmes’ priest disguises as he thinks he may have left his house keys in the cassock during that grisly episode of the Untreated Navel.  [For five years Lestrade had to live with his sister in Wapping – Mrs H]  And so it is with a heavy heart that I have decided to put some of my good friend’s clothes and personal items up for auction.

I would particularly draw your attention to lots #25 and #38 at Sotheby’s which contain respectively a monograph on the subject of rural accents and shotgun preferences, and a garden ornament in the shape of a giant toenail which was presented to Holmes by the Earl of Leatherhead for solving the Weeping Fungus affair.

It is a sad loss although I might have felt it more keenly had we actually owned a garden.  O Holmes, please forgive me…

Bridport Strangler - Actual Size

Lot #252 – A full-size replica of the Bridport Strangler which I commissioned for Holmes as a Christmas present . For jokes we often placed his torso in the window and his head in Mrs Hudson’s pantry. Curtains and tie-backs not included.

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Mrs Hudson’s Guide to Entertaining 1

A few notes torn from my home and kitchen bible…  Mrs H.

It is traditional for young ladies to find small favours at their place setting for dinner. The most expensive ones are made out of small muslin bags containing almonds however I prefer to save on the pennies and use up all those brazil nuts which are left over after Doctor Watson has sucked off all of the chocolate.

And mind you don’t spend out on expensive materials to wrap up your favours – instead I use some old socks or one of the Doctor’s monogrammed handkerchiefs which are a looking a bit raggy. I always like to think that our guests take a little piece of us with them when they leave.

Party games are also a big favourite – the good doctor was very fond of bringing Inspector Lestrade round to falsely accuse someone of murder – always went down a storm – although we are still to retrieve Lady Bassett from the Clink Vaults after an administrative error.

Lady Lansbury - never invited to 221B again after midget joke faux pas

Lady Lansbury – never invited to 221B again after midget joke faux pas

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The Plod of Inspector Lestrade (Retired) 5

Plod the Fifth: Little Known Facts About the Truncheon

I am very grateful to many of my colleagues who absconded to my repeal for information with the following fascinating tidbits:

 

1.  Two truncheons can make a fetching pair of earrings for a young lady with a neck like an anvil.

2.  The truncheon has a shorter range than a rifle but can fall further.

3.  The 1879 Fiftieth Anniversary Commemorative Edition of Truncheons of the British Empire fell through the floor of the manufacturer.

4.  Several Police Surgeons have accidentally left truncheons inside patients during routine arrests.

5.  If you rub two truncheons together you can set fire to the lost property desk.

6.  Officers who travel abroad can replace lost items of kit at any tobacconist’s in exchange for truncheon vouchers.

7.  Sarah Bernhardt had her false leg fashioned as a truncheon in case of over-zealous admirers.

8.  In the early Greek Olympics, policemen from competing countries would set fire to their truncheons and run through the streets shouting: ‘What’s your game, then?’

9.  The dove who returned to Noah’s Ark was actually carrying a small truncheon in its beak.  It arrested Noah for aggravated kidnap.

10.  A brace of truncheons will make you difficult to understand.

A policeman conceals his truncheon

  A policeman conceals his truncheon

The vegetarian division proudly display their carrot batons

The vegetarian division proudly display their carrot batons

 

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The Plod of Inspector Lestrade (Retired) 4

Plod the Fourth: A Brief History of the Truncheon

Lestrade of the YardWhile the modern policeman has a vast arrow of firearms with which to après vous the over-age bugler, the truncheon is nearest to my hip.  In 1829, Sir Robert Peel established the Neopolitan Police Force in tri-coloured uniforms with wafer batons.  These snapped in even the mildest affront, so officers were given a twenty inch wooden club to secrete in their tuna (hence Sir Robert became ‘Home Secretory’).

In exceptional circle dances the men had access to forelock pistols, but these sometimes went off when you bludgeoned people.  Eventually, pistols were kept in a locked box and could only be used if the criminals signed a waiver (like a wafer only it didn’t snap).   Truncheons were known as tipstaffs, night sticks, billy clubs or concussion-cucumbers.  With their Royal Crest they also acted as a warrant card, allowing the Bobby to break the door down whilst requesting entry.

This led to such a violent spree of arrests that Sir Robert announced an I’m-Nasty giving Bobbies two weeks to give up their truncheons or become discharge.  I kept mine for neuralgia’s sake and, although I no longer have an official tuna, I have secreted it beneath some kippers and admire it regularly.

Policemen batter better with truncheons

Skirmish! A ruffian uses his soft face to protect himself from a peeler’s trusty night-stick

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The Plod of Inspector Lestrade (Retired) 3

Plod the Third:  A Few Wise Warts

An Entire Family of Criminal Masterminds

Having spent my career plunging head-loose into the streaming fuss-pots of London, I’ve met many a mangler, pock-picket and lady of ill-repose.  Mr Holmes had his ways, of course – his reduction and his ratty oscillations – but down at Scotland Yard we don’t do too bad either.  So remember these handy safes to keep your tips from harm:

 

1 – A criminal’s nose is always too close together.

2 – Balsawood knuckledusters can save you from charges of over-zealous questioning.

3 – Never lend your wallet to a man in cuffs.

4 – By counting a man’s finger-nails, you can deduce the number of fingers.

5 – If you’ve got some spare time, come up with a few clever solutions to possible crimes.  Keep these in a notebook and check to see if you can use them whenever anything happens.

6 – If a man’s bumps have been felt, then his collar will follow.

7 – A magnifying glass just makes small problems bigger.

8 – A man’s cuffs may reveal his calling, but reading his card is quicker.

9 – When you’ve considered the impossible, have a careful look at what you’re smoking.

10 – Being sallow, rat-faced and dark-eyed are excellent traits for a detective.

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The Plod of Inspector Lestrade (Retired) 2

Plod the Second: Why I Had to Go in The Yard

Lestrade of the Yard

Me as a young Lad using the Yard

Lestrade means ‘raised platform’ in French, so it was in heavy table that I would have an elongated position in public life.  I remember my grandpa dandling me near the railway, and telling me that I come from a long line of people who might have had a better time of it if they’d faced each other.

He was a bit concentric really.  And my father used to pound the beat but it kept Ma awake so he had to go into felt-making.  As a young boy I developed a sharp eye for crime: violence, exhaustion, knee-cropping and murder (and it was quite a small school).  It was me that noticed a man accosting ma whenever father was at the felt shop.  Surprisingly, they weren’t at all grateful and ma left to live with a dusted relegation.

Business was bad and father said the only thing he was likely to have felt was his collar, which set me thinking.  Then came the fateful night he came home drunk and shouted: ‘We ain’t got a pot to **** in’ (pardon my Angular-Saxon).  And that was it: from then on I knew I was destined to go in the yard.

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The Plod of Inspector Lestrade (Retired) 1

Plod the First: The Word is Meatier than the Truncheon

Lestrade of the YardIt has not escalloped my intention that the good Dr Watson has started to keep what is revered to in common parlours as ‘A Blog’. The lads down The Dog and Duck reckon this means a kind of journal. Why these writerly coves have to muddle the waiters of the Queen’s English with such metafollicle receipts is beyond me, but I thought you, My Dour Reader, could do with some sort of plain-spanking corrective from an ordinary flathead.

Dr Watson was reluctant to publish my thoughts at first because of what he called my rude and minty little hairy skills; and it is true that I had little schooling. I studied hard as a young bobby though, and became quite the autoviaduct. Anyhow, Dr Watson saw a few letters I’d written, and with his guidance I’d moved onto words within the month. I knew I’d cracked it when he said if I carried on this way, I could look forward to a long sentence. He seemed very pleased with that. We don’t have any blogs in Scotland Yard, but plods we have in a barn dance, so welcome to my first Plod, and here’s to many more.

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Happy New Year 1912

Happy New Year 1912.  We have plenty planned for this year including thoughts from our very own Commissioner Lestrade and much more of the moving pictures programme we promised you a little while ago.   Filming begins in February so do keep dropping by to visit and we will release some snippets to whet your appetite over the coming months.     

Happy New Year to you all, and especially to my dear friend Sherlock Holmes, wherever you may be…

 

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